THIS WAS X-POSTED ON MY TUMBLR BUT WAS TOO GOOD TO KEEP AWAY FROM YOU BLOGSPOT FAM.

I JUST FORCED MYSELF AWAKE FROM THE MOST BIZZARO DREAM

I guess the first thing(s) that makes this dream worth anything are:

1. Lucid Dreaming**
2. Sleep Paralysis
3. Significant People/Person.

I don’t really remember the beginning of the dream and I feel like forcing a beginning would somehow do a great disservice to the dream. Ever had a dream that you KNOW meant something or was asking you to look in a certain direction? I felt like this was one of those times.

The Dream:

…I’m ironing something 3 dimensional and he’s laying in bed with the tv on, surfing facebook and youtube in some relative of mine’s room. [the he-being my last ex]
We’re both visiting family- maybe his and mine are in the house (idk) and as i’m ironing he’s trying to get me to quit ironing and to lay in the bed and watch/surf the ‘net with him.***
***Mind you real life situation applies in this dream, meaning we’re still broken up and he’s still with his present girlfriend.
Finally I acquiesce and lay on top of the covers. Before I have a mental dream dialogue with myself about whether is appropriate for me to lay in bed with him and if I should stay on top of the covers or go underneath them. I choose the former and we keep laughing and joking, [not unsimilar to our relationship in present day] eventually I fall asleep in the bed which feels like mine but isn’t because we’re not in my room. he’s trying to wake me up to show me something he found on youtube, except I don’t want to. Then he starts to make all kinds of funny jokes and I’m trying to laugh and answer when I realized I’m under sleep paralysis, my mind is full awake but my body isn’t.
He keeps with the jokes because he thinks I’m faking it when all I can really utter are slight mumbly gutteral noises. He then starts to breathe lightly on my neck in a spot that generally drives me into pleasurable convulsions to test to see if I’m truly faking or not. My dream mind is going crazy wanting to respond but my body can’t.

It’s also at this point in the dream that I realize I’m dreaming and in sleep paralysis. So while I’m trying to wake my body up from sleep paralysis in the real world I’m also trying to do it in dream land. I subconsciously remember reading that people can die within their hallucinations during sleep paralysis and try to stay calm and use the fact I know I’m dreaming to direct my dream [lucid dreaming].
I’m not doing a very good job of it and he’s still breathing lightly on my neck then he whispers something about never imagining we’d be here again and I silently think about the fact he’s acting crazy considering the fact he has a girlfriend- who he loves.

Finally I awake for this mess of a dream only to be completely mindfucked.

****There’s one part of the dream that I remember vividly but I can’t place it’s sequence in the scheme of things. We’re sharing a moment- a nostalgic one when his girlfriend leaves him a facebook comment about whether or not she missed him. He doesn’t show the screen to me but I can see it even though I’m standing in front of him and he’s facing me meaning that the computer screen is facing the wall.

It feels like this means something, not in that bizzaro “you are gonna get back with your ex” feeling but like this is a turning point except I don’t know where I’m turning….

** google what you don’t know, because I don’t feel like explain it

6.5.09

it's been a hella long time since i wrote a blog post, i've gone back to writing in a personal journal again this online shit stresses me out sometimes. i end up writing all enigmatic because i'm scared of hurting people's feelings. there are certain people that i KNOW without a shadow of a doubt read my blog(s) whether its here or on tumblr and because of that i find myself censoring myself. its not even like i don't want them to know what i have to say it's just that i never know how my words are going to be recieved by them. i'm tired of tiptoeing around feelings, it makes me feel uneasy and upset when their feelings are hurt. i never used to be like this, i never made apologies for my thoughts or words but now its seems like its all i do. i think its easier to take the pain that dish it out. i've got a thick skin so i welcome the hits but i hate throwing daggers at people because i know my aim is good and when i hit its sure to cripple them. There was a time when i really didn't give a fuck about cutting off limbs and cracking skulls, but apparently i'm getting soft and I can't to see other people in pain.
i feel like i can't write anymore, and i damn sure don't know how to talk. my conversation skills are at a minimum and all this censorship is fucking with my true self.